What To Do When Faced With Alligators

Hugh Hewitt and James Lileks discuss modern survival tactics:

HH: No, they don't. Now I've got to move to important stuff. The number of avalanche deaths in this country has risen dramatically to thirty a year, and 90% of them are men. And the Men's Health writer who wrote about this couldn't figure out why that is. I wonder why do you think that nine out of ten avalanche victims are men?

JL: (laughing) Because women are smart enough not to go climbing the stupid things. I'm waiting for the rash of avalanches that kill sharks, because that will combine all these things together. You know, the shark attacks on the rise, avalanches are on the rise. If we can get the avalanches to kill the sharks, I think we'll be fine.

HH: That would be good. Now Matt Sutter couldn't get tornado out of his head or ears, because he, on March 12th, went for a ride in a tornado. "It's a pretty awkward record to have," he said about the longest known ride in a torado on record. Interesting?

JL: (laughing) I wasn't sure that they were actually keeping records of the number of people who have survived being picked up. If I saw a tornado deposit somebody in my front yard, I would just have all of my friends get down on their knees and speak in little, tiny, high voices, to make the guy think he'd landed in Munchkinland or something.

HH: (laughing) Okay, from the AP in Bonita Springs, Florida. Someone knocking at her door in a gated community earlier this week, she looked out to see an unwelcome visitor on her front stoop, an 8 foot alligator. The bull gator had wandered up from the pond behind the house, and had a bloody lip from banging its head against the door. What do you do, James Lileks?

JL: Well, instantly, you call your husband and the appearance of a man will trigger an avalanche, apparently, and the avalanche will kill the alligator.

(Photo taken by Mike C in the Florida Everglades, January 2003.)